I spend countless nights just sitting here, pondering on endless what-could-have-beens and the what-ifs. You know, the stuff that prevents one from sleeping as one lays in bed, still haunted by these thoughts and ideals.
The past few weeks have been different, though, in quite a few ways. same thoughts, same what-ifs and what-could-have-beens, but definitely not the same old shit. A few friends and I have been working on a little secret project - something big. Well, pretty big. I'm sure each one of us wants it to happen. But will everyone work to make it happen? Of course. It's just a matter of how.
But sometimes, i fear.
I fear that having too much initiative is a bad thing for a person like me among a bunch of kids such as ourselves. Sensitive kids with a lot of pride. Pride that will not allow one's self to "take a bullet for the team". I fear that once i start exerting too much effort myself, people might start to think that I'm "taking over" what is supposed to be a group effort. That's why I sometimes keep things to myself - until either the gears start to reach full speed and it's time to spill it, or it gets lost in me forever. But one cannot help but wonder sometimes - the gears, by themselves, will not turn without a push. I want to be that push. I want us to be the push - that biggest bit of energy to turn the gears until we run like a well-oiled machine.
I fear also being abandoned in times of conflict. With such ambitious efforts such as ours, conflict is inevitable. It is both the by-product and the fuel of our little engine. But at some point, one or the other will give in. Completely exhausted from all the wear and tear, the gear snaps, breaking itself free from the machine.
I fear those who surround me. I fear that my visions may be too different from theirs, and that I will be outnumbered, and my thoughts are then worth nothing. I fear that they are similar and i am different - different in ideals, different in concepts, different in methods.
I fear my own self, that i may one day find out that my efforts were never adequate to get my part of the machine rolling. It might then be too late, the machine already running at full speed towards the end of the road.
We have the parts we need, and more. But all these parts will never sum up to complete a whole. Assembly is still required. No instruction manual, we gotta figure it out for ourselves. The manner of assembly will not matter. At least not to me. The end justifies the means.
But wait.
Why so serious?
That is the question I seek to answer. An answer I might find within myself, as I sit here and ponder upon these little things, night after night after night.
